A New Poem!

 

I just now found out that some sweet author named her poem after my blog!!! 

Actually she probably never heard of my blog, and I may not even agree entirely with her poem, but it's fun anyways.  The teeniest bit vulgar, but very fun.  Here it is, followed by its source:

To Kill A Polar Bear...... - Poem by Francesca Johnson

 

I have the trophies on the wall,
the lion, tiger, moose and deer.

But there's a space I need to fill
and I'm determined that I will
have POLAR BEAR. I will not veer
from my desire to get the glory...

Shit to people who call it 'gory'

I want to kill a polar bear.

Emotional tears I do not fear.
Who cares? I don't. I want the head
of that white bear. I want it dead!

It's not for me to ponder numbers
of bears who shed their blood in slumbers.
I care not for the animal.
It's glory I seek, admiration deep.
I kill for pleasure and don't give a damn.
I want THAT bear. Sentiment, you can keep.

So now I'll load up my killing gun.
Watch out, polar bear, you can run
But I'll get you.......

My bullet's ready
....for your head!


Francesca Johnson

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/to-kill-a-polar-bear/

A History of Homovores

Homovores [same + eaters] have existed since the beginning of time, as all rational and scientific peoples know.  And contrary to what homophobes [same + fearers] will tell you, homovores have frequently been very cool, and certainly well-dressed.

A famous British homovore saying something in Spanish 

Unfortunately, many homophobic haters have hated on homovores throughout history, charging them with the “crime” of cannibalism [a hateful hate word].  A good example of a homovore was Oscar Whacky, a somewhat pretty (if overweight) author whose work was admired for its fresh… meatiness.  Despite his popularity, he was dragged to court for “the hunger that dares not speak its name,” and sentenced to jail for a spell.  Shocking, isn’t it?  

A modern homovore commemorates his hero. 

And although he had a change of heart before death, Oscar Whacky has since been properly recognized as a martyr.  Homovority, we now realize, is totally victimless, so long as the fellow you eat doesn’t mind it.  (This is especially true if you only eat dead people.  What on earth is the harm in that??)

A victimless crime 

Admittedly, homovority seems to increase the likelihood of catching strange and deadly diseases from the meat, such as CAIDS [Carnivore Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome], a problem that we continue to seek a cure for.  But obviously, the cause is not homovority per se, but unprotected eating.  Protected eating involves immediately regurgitating the food you eat, and significantly reduces all risk of infection without subtracting from the pleasure derived from the meat.  Stop being a bigot.

Ancient Romans practiced protected eating. 

Meanwhile, the hateful homophobes continue to insist that homovority is not a good thing.  They have supported, in their insipid arrogance, trying to switch to heterovority [other + eating], or if this is impossible, abstinence.  The bigotry!  Abstinence, or vegetarianism, is unnatural in every way and will only lead to frustrated instincts.

Frustrated vegetarians
 

It is clearly long past time to throw off such antiquated religious ideas, so they can no longer hold back the happiness and progress of mankind.  As we all know, scientific studies have conclusively proven that homovority is completely normal, natural and healthy.  Homovores exist in all carnivorous/omnivorous species, including those closely related to us. 



Hey, whatever floats your boat! 

Of course, eating the young is also an occurrence in many species, especially cats.  Eating children, however, is still very much looked down upon by Western society, since the kid is considered not old enough to realize what he’s consenting to.  However, this is largely a matter of culture, and so may change in the near future.  Who knows?  Maybe we should ask this guy:


Hugo the Headhunter can help.
 

The Owl Turns Green!

Salutations, Green brothers! 

Eco-friendly!  Or just seasick?

 

In honor of the Paris Climate Pact, this blog has taken the leap.  Yes, from now on,  we will be environmentally responsible!  Ecologically sensitive!  Politically Correct!  Accordingly, radical new strategies have been enacted to spread Climate Change awareness and prevent further climate destruction as the result of reading this blog. 

 

First of all, we have to be on our guard against false or half-hearted commitment.  If you're not with the environment, you're against it!  All posers, deviants and heretics must be publicly renounced and exposed as the imposters they are. 

 

Clearly imposters.  No bear is that skinny.

 

And most importantly, we must not be afraid of positive action.  That's why this blog has taken the first step: transforming from the rigid and stress-inducing theme of printing paper, to the mellow, ethereal tones of Mother Nature.  The science is simple: harsh tones cause psychological stress; psychological stress causes physiological stress; physiological stress causes flatulence; flatulence releases methane and other greenhouse gasses; greenhouse gasses insulate the atmosphere; insulation causes warmer, more even temperatures; warm, even temperatures cause more evaporation and melting of glacial ice; evaporation and melting of glacial ice expose more land and cause more precipitation around the world, which converts deserts and brings water and life-giving CO2 everywhere, exponentially increasing crop growth and all flora-- 

Hmm... 

Which may not actually be a bad idea...

 

 

...But let's not think about it that hard.  Global Warming is a bad thing, and will result in this:

 

There, that's more like it.

 

So obviously, we have to do something about it!  Which is why we are committed to reducing human flatulence with our eco-friendly blog theme.  By the way, stop looking at that picture before you get stressed. 

 

Of course there are other factors causing climate change that the human family should work to solve, such as the number 1 source of methane gas on earth: cow belching.  Cow belching and flatulence together have been shown to produce far more methane than any other single source on the planet.  Belching is, oddly, the more significant problem.

 

 

 

That may be somewhat beyond our scope at present, since our top analysts have confirmed that cows seldom read this blog.  We did try a human-to-cow outreach session, but so far, this is the only response we've gotten:

 

 

Our bovine friends may be a little slow on the uptake.

My Trip to Ancient Rome




~ Baraccus Kennedus Hilarious ~

Ever since Dr. Russell Humphreys accidentally invented the Time Machine, I've been making regular visits to the past.  It's one of the most delightful ways of relaxing, because you know, you can take as long as you want in the past and still be back home in time for dinner. 

Inventor of the Time Machine

Anyhow, on my last venture I decided to jog on down to ancient Rome, 232 AD, where I met an official-looking guy shuffling around in front of the “White House.”  He introduced himself as Baraccus Kennedus Hilarious. 
 

The White House

 

“Good to meet you! I'm Owlus,”  I said, to which he responded, “Well, you look like a barbarian!”  

I was at a loss for words. 

“Oh it's all right,” he said, “Barbarians are very welcome around here, especially illegal ones.  Of course, you'll probably want to keep your distance from The Old Republic-ans, unless they want you to cut their grass!  They're always saying barbarians are going to handicap our society and destroy the nation.  Haha, quite the load of bumbling hypocrites, those Old Republic-ans!  Anyhow, is there anything you'd like?  Maybe I can direct you to the local welfare office.  Or perhaps you want a duty-free stay at one of my palace apartments, complete with public bath and some ravishingly beautiful handmaidens?  Or if you're really quiet about it, I could even get you a seat in the Senate.  You may be just our sort of barbarian..."
 

Sign posted by Old Republic-ans

 

“Gee, thanks a lot,” I responded, relieved, “But I don't think I'll be staying long.  I am a little curious about the way you ancient Romans live though.” 

  “Oh, I hope you're not a spy.  If you are, we may have a lot of paperwork to fill out.”

“No, no, I'm completely neutral.”

“Neutral?  You mean you're a eunuch?  Lovely!  It's getting very fashionable to become a eunuch these days.  Why, just last year this fellow Brutus Jennerus made all the headlines for how brave he was to become a eunuch... ahem, I should say 'she,' because he--I mean she--also thinks he's a she... It's a little confusing, but you have to just get used to it, you know...  Don't want to risk offending anyone, at least not when he's rich--I mean she, hahaha...”

“NO.  I meant I'm not a spy.”

“Oh!” 
 

"Catalina Jennera"

 

“So I was wondering if it's true, what I've heard about parents' rights here--that they can kill their children if they want to.” 

“Dear me, that's an awfully insensitive way of putting it...  But yes, every parent is allowed to... terminate his kid, if he finds it necessary.”

“What do you mean by 'necessary?'”

“Oh, that's a little hard to define.  But if you find it necessary in any way--you know, in any way--we perfectly understand.”

“Okay. How long does this right last?”

“Why, until the child is fully adult, of course!  That's when he's legally defined as a person, so it would be a little out-of-taste to go killing him at that point.  Unless the government decides to do it, and that's all right, because Caesar knows best.” 
 

Definitely NOT persons.



“Gosh.  Doesn't this seem a little heartless?” 

“Heartless?  Good Heavens, how can you call it heartless?  Do you realize how difficult it must be to deal with having a child? Aren't you the one being insensitive here?  Have you ever had a child?”  He was getting a little indignant. 

“Well no, not yet, but I didn't mean to be confrontational.   Tell me,” I said, trying to change the subject, “What about the gladiators and the wild animals in the circuses?”

“What about them?”

“Is it true you enjoy watching them tear each other to bits?” 

He sighed, as though exasperated by my bluntness.  “They're just dumb animals, that have no rights, and then gladiators, who aren't people either.   So it's clearly not real violence, it's virtual violence.  That's what we call it.” 

“Well, doesn't it even seem incompassionate?  Bad for the rest of you?” 

“What on earth do you mean, bringing up compassion here?  Violence has a completely natural attraction for us people; in fact, we'd be doing wrong to suppress our natural urge to enjoy it!  We need to de-stress, otherwise we'd kill each other!  I mean, more than we already do.” 
 

Wholesome entertainment after a long day

This time I sighed.  “Well, what about the Christians then?   Do you think it's right to be beheading them and feeding them to the lions, without any kind of defense at all?  Or burning them like torches at your evening orgies?” 

“The Christians are superstitious hate-criminals, which makes them even less human than the animals!  And I'm beginning to think you're one of them!”

“But you already have so many things you can enjoy!  You can play games!  Sing!  Dance!  Get married!  Study art and science!  Write blog posts!  You don't need to go doing these other things...” 
 

See, you could be doing this instead.

 

“Poppycock!  You can't tell me how to live my life!  If bread and circuses are what we want, then bread and circuses are what we shall have.  Besides, it's legal now, so there's nothing you can do about it.  Next thing I know, you'll be telling me to give women citizenship, or maybe free the slaves!” 

 

He seemed to be in a self-righteous frenzy now. 

 

“I see,” said I.   

 

And afraid of having to tread on coals—literally--I departed back to our own, more civilized era, where Christians aren't thrown to lions, or cut into bits, or burned as torches. 

 

Yet.  Except in North Korea.  And elsewhere.  Oh, never mind.