My Problem Human

Ladies and gentlemen and pinkos:

I am commonly called "Oucher," and properly called Bubo Sapiens.  If you know what that means, you are at least slightly Scientific and Rational, and you should be happy.  Or else you have google.  Either way, you can call me Bub.  

I have recently taken a lot of criticism for being a bubo, believe it or not, so I think I should explain something:  The reason for my classification is largely the constant insistence of some people that I am far too unevolved to be called human!  So I'm content with being a called a bubo instead (if that is indeed "less evolved"). 

This is a lady friend of mine:

Pretty, no?

 

I use her pic a lot because she is really very lovely, and she doesn’t mind, while I am trying to remain anynonymous (dah’s a Scientific words dat means I could be anybody).  Besides, most of you people are so Unscientific and Irrational that you wouldn’t know the difference between a male bubo and a female one if said difference were staring you in the face, which would not be nice.  She gave me the nickname “Oucher” or “Ouch,” because that is what I said when we first met. 



Two bubos meet. 

 

So now that you have met me and my lady friend, there is a human being who's been on my mind, and he has serious problems.  He is actually a very nice guy deep, deep down inside, but he calls himself “King C” because he believes he has been chosen the leader of his race by the forces of Evolution.  He really gets carried away sometimes. 

You don’t want to upset him by not calling him “King C,” because he has lots of very Unscientific and Irrational followers, many of whom have AIDS. 

Acquired Intelligence Deficiency Syndrome

But like I said, King C is assuredly a cool guy on the inside.  You can tell because he is very romantic, and he has a girlfriend: 

They like each other a lot, and if you say anything against it he will call you mysogenetic and Unscientific and Irrational and racially inferior and re-tarded and generally evil.  

 

Now here is what happened when someone got on his bad side: There is a scientist I know who disagreed with King C about a few things, including evolution, and King C hated it because he knew if evolution were fouled up that would make him just as un-evolved as everybody else!  So, sure enough, King C jumped right in and called the scientist re-tarded and racially inferior and, generally, evil.  

You poor evil re-tarded rednecks, you.

That sort of argument is quite good enough for most of King C's followers, of course, but a few of them are not quite as Unscientific and Irrational as all that, so he had to conjure up some kind of proof.  This consisted of papers from the future (time machines were invented 14 years ago, you see) and an appeal to the democratic spirit of science (which sounds very nice indeed, but is unfortunately Unscientific).  

Russell Humphreys, PhD
Unwitting Inventor of the Time Machine

 

This must all sound very strange, but the really bad news is that King C is not an isolated case.  His sort of mental problems are startlingly common, as I will explain later. 

Another unfortunate victim of K.C.'s disorder

 

Meanwhile, I'm not sure how to help King C.  He is very young yet, so perhaps his brain will finish developing sometime soon.