As you may know, people who believe in God are generally terrorists, rapists, witch burners, child molesters, or otherwise nasty and imbalanced weirdoes. They are called "theists," and the most zealous ones are called fundamentalists.
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| A fundamentalist, clearly committing child abuse |
On the other hand, there are some people who believe that God is synonymous with pink unicorns or the Spaghetti Monster. Obviously, such people are far more reasonable, better balanced, totally conscientious, and wouldn't hurt a mosquito. Well, at least not an endangered mosquito. They are called atheists, and many of them are called "humanists," which means that they love humanity but not human beings. Or something like that.
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| Humanist Atheist Pekka-Eric Auvinen (Yeah, this is for real. Look him up.) |
Meanwhile, what makes fundamentalists so evil? For one thing, they actually believe in God all the time, not just on the weekends. "Non-fundamentalists" are the more rational theists, because they only believe in God when it's convenient.
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| A non-fundamentalist Protestant |
But the main problem with fundamentalists is that they're always fighting over disagreements. Atheists simply don't do that, because they're rational.
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| Trotsky with a headache |
Yes sir, fundamentalists are a bunch of hopelessly militaristic die-hards. You see, believing in heaven makes you want to go there, so you take the logical route and commit an act of otherwise totally pointless aggression and kill yourself. Well... at least if you're a Muslim, in which case you get a bonus of fifty virgins besides. But Christian fundamentalists can't be all that different from Muslims, now can they?
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| Virgins in paradise eagerly await Muslims |
Fundamentalists cause problems wherever they are. For example, Rev. Fr. Gerald Fitzgerald was an old Catholic fundamentalist who called pedophiles "rattlesnakes" and "vipers," and thought them generally incurable. Wasn't that mean of him? They should not be priests, he said; or if they were, they should be secluded on a desert island where they wouldn't do any harm. Fortunately, the progressive, rational, cool non-fundamentalists in the Church knew better, and dismissed him for his outdated views on psychology and sex and stuff. If you're interested, you can read his 1950's letters here:
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| Not particularly fundamentalist |
Of course, many fundamentalists are always trying to say that they're not the problem. Christians, for example, say that they're the most persecuted religion on the planet, and that atheists are the real problem. Not just atheists, but anybody else who isn't Christian! This is quite clearly arrogant, intolerant, and hateful B.S., the result of religious dogmatism. The real problem is everybody who isn't atheist.
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| Atheism is the only solution! |
Yes, the poor, defenseless atheists have to put up with a lot of hatred and irrationality from their fundamentalist peers. Not to mention cigarette smoke.
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| Problem? |
Well, that's all for tonight. Let's welcome Sister Barracuda here to say a cheery goodbye to all you nice non-fundamentalists and atheists out there--
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